Are you looking to spice things up a little this Valentine’s Day? Curious about kink but don’t know where to start? This month I will be giving you some tips for trying out the basics, as well as ideas on taking things further if you enjoy it!
Communication is key to having a great time with kink. It is vital to chat with your partner before you begin, about such topics as toys which interest you, ideas that you find hot, words and outfits you think are sexy, as well as covering key ideas which are scary or a turn off so you both know what to avoid. Decide who is going to be in charge during the play (the Dominant) and agree that if things get too intense at any point you will stop or slow it down.
It can be a good idea to have this chat a few days or at least a few hours before you will have your first kinky play. This gives time for the anticipation to build, but also allows the Dominant some time to gather toys/outfit/ideas together.
Remember at all times the key rule for kink is to keep it SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. Do not agree on or attempt anything that may be unsafe for either person or does not feel sane; and stick to acts that you have both agreed and consented to.
When you are about to begin, having a way to symbolise you are in role as Dominant and Submissive can be sexy and help it feel special. It may be putting on (or taking off) an outfit, item of jewellery, or (more traditionally) a collar.
For your first venture into kink, keep it simple and fun. If you have decided on a tie and tease scene, try using scarves or ties to tie your partner up (but keep scissors handy in case you cannot undo the knots easily). Alternatively simply pin them down with one hand. Check round the house first for items which will provide interesting sensations. Some ideas are hairbrushes for stroking, ice cubes for temperature play, velvet or silk clothing for draping and stroking over the skin. Also think about using all of your body – hands, nails, hair, tongue, for stroking, pinching, tickling, slapping, scratching, nibbling, etc. Play with sensation all over their body, rather than sticking to obvious erogenous zones.
Alternatively you may have decided on a hot and horny sex scene with one partner being the Dominant, taking charge. Think about the language you will both use, a suitable position to reinforce Dominant/Submissive roles, and outfits/role play. A blindfold can be a great way to add to the fantasy element.
As already stated, communication is key and this applies after the scene as well. Soon after the scene, have a frank and open chat about how you both feel it went. Discuss which aspects you enjoyed, what you would like to take further, as well as any parts you did not enjoy or did nothing for you. Remember at this point to discuss whether to stick to the same roles next time or switch over. Many couples find they enjoy switching roles and exploring many different types of scene, while some find a role they each enjoy and stick to them.
If you have enjoyed yourselves and wish to incorporate kink into more of your sex life together consider buying some fetish equipment to incorporate into your play. You can buy lots of sex toys and some fetish items from sex shops. For specialist fetish equipment you can visit a fetish market to shop with a range of companies – see my previous blog on visiting fetish markets for more information. Alternatively you can find suppliers online, including our own website freakclubwear.co.uk. When shopping it is often fun to buy a small amount of items that are key to the type of scenes you are enjoying e.g. wrist cuffs for bondage, a paddle for punishment, an outfit for role play, etc. Then add to your kit every few weeks/months. This gives you the thrill of something new to try out on a regular basis and adds to the excitement and anticipation. It means you can consider purchasing high quality, luxury items rather than lots of cheap toys that may disappoint.
When planning to take a scene deeper, remember to do some research. This can provide you with some great ideas as well as helping you to keep it safe if it is a topic you know little about. Fetlife is a great resource website where you can read about other’s experiences, ask questions about kink, find out about fetish events and scenes, and make new friends. For practical ‘how to’ tips you can:
1) Read books – try The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book for a great starting point or there are plenty more specialist books if you want to cover a particular topic e.g. bondage.
2) Watch video clips – there are a wide range of video clips on tube sites where you can watch for free, including our own at youtube.com/freakclubwear.
3) Visit a fetish market or party with a workshop – there are several larger markets/events with workshops run on a regular basis around the UK. You can find out about your nearest one at Fetlife. The largest monthly fetish market in the UK, with a different workshop every month is the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar.
4) Attend a one-on-one tutorial – if venturing into public is not your thing or you want to cover specific topics at your pace a fetish tutorial might work better for you. We offer a range of tutorials in the Midlands at Freak Clubwear.
However don’t get too caught up in trying to scene ‘the right way’. As long as you keep things SSC the only right way is whatever works for you and your partner. Keep it fun and enjoyable for you both and you are sure to find kink a way to develop further your trust and intimacy as a couple.
If you have enjoyed this introduction to kink you can read many more practical BDSM articles in Curious Magazine. You can order a free copy of the new issue and back issues of Curious Magazine here.